


The Documentary

by Grey_wonderer



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_wonderer/pseuds/Grey_wonderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unwinding from a long day with a bit of television.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Documentary

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for a challenge on the Live Journal group, FFFC for the prompt 'in sickness'. I played around with the prompt and this was the result.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not know any of these people. I don't know anything at all about their real lives. This is a work of fiction. It was written for my amusement and if you aren't amused by, it then you shouldn't read it.
> 
> GW

************************

 

 

p>“What are you watching?” Elijah asked peering at the television through his over-sized glasses.

“It’s a documentary about the preying mantis.” Dom said. “Sit down and watch it with me. You might learn something.”

“*You* are watching a documentary?” Elijah snorted flopping down on the sofa next to Dom.

“Oi! I’m intelligent. I read. In case you haven’t noticed, I happen to know a great deal about animals and nature,” Dom said, defensively.

“Dom was a wild life expert for a porn film once. He knows all about animal behaviours,” Billy supplied.

Elijah giggled. “Billy, why are you lying on the floor?”

“He’s old,” Dom said.

“My back hurts,” Billy said. “This makes it feel better.”

“You watching the documentary too?” Elijah asked.

“Not unless the telly is pasted to the inside of my eyelids,” Billy replied.

“He’s old and he’s got no taste,” Dom sighed. “I turn on a perfectly interesting program, invite him to watch it so maybe he’ll learn something, and all he does is piss and moan about how tired he is and how much his back aches. The old can be very grouchy.”

“And the young can be dead boring,” Billy said, eyes still closed. “Sitting about watching bugs on the telly. Pointless.”

“The preying mantis is a very interesting insect,” Dom objected.

“It’s a bug,” Billy said. “If it were here right now, I’d squash it like, well, like a bug. That’d be me, all done with the likes of mantises.”

“What are they doing?” Elijah asked curiously.

“They're matting,” Dom said, smiling.

“This won’t be good,” Sean frowned.

“Seen this before, have you?” Dom asked glancing up at Sean who was now standing behind the sofa twisting the cap off a bottled water.

“No, but I know how it ends,” Sean said.

“They make mad, insect love and then they have a fag,” Billy yawned.

“One of them doesn’t,” Sean said.

“Steady, Sean,” Dom whispered. “Don’t spoil the ending. Elijah hasn‘t seen this.”

“Oh, good. It has an ending,” Billy said.

“Shhhhhhh!” Dom hissed. “This is the good part.”

“Why are we watching with the sound off?” Sean asked.

“S’better that way,” Dom said. “Spoils the surprise if you listen to the narration. Ruins the suspense.”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” Billy said. “Well, I would be if I were sitting on a seat.”

“Piss off, Boyd. Some of us are enjoying this very educational documentary.”

“Sorry, Mr. Monaghan, Sir,” Billy retorted.

“So the male mounts the female and they have at it?” Elijah asked.

“Pretty much,” Dom nodded.

“Seems like most animals having sex so far,” Elijah shrugged.

“Not entirely,” Sean frowned.

“He climbs onto her and now they seem to be making the usual humping motion. I don’t see anything different about it,” Elijah shrugged.

“Wait for it,” Dom smiled.

“Why do you watch these things, Dom?” Elijah sighed. “It’s all so, WHOAH! Shit! She isn’t? Is one of them eating the other?”

“Told you it was different,” Dom grinned.

“That’s just sick!” Elijah groaned. 

“He must have done something she didn’t fancy,” Billy offered.

“No, the female always tries to eat the male after sex,” Dom explained. “He’s nothing more than a source of food to her. Helps the eggs to mature. She needs him for energy.”

“I’ve always wondered if the males go into the relationship knowing that they’re going to wind up as a late night snack?” Sean asked.

“Probably,” Dom said. “Most guys would risk almost anything for a good shag.”

“That’s sick,” Elijah repeated. “One minute they’re having sex and then the next, she’s eating him alive! Gross!”

“That’s nature for you,” Dom said. 

“Do the females always eat the males?”

“Sometimes the males manage to get away but most of the time, yeah, the females eat them,” Dom said.

“That’s life. You meet a nice girl. Take her to the pictures. Show her a good time. Fertilize her eggs, and then she eats you,” Billy sighed. 

“It’s disgusting,” Elijah frowned. “She’s just chowing away. That’s the father of her children!”

“I guess most preying mantises never have the chance to know their fathers,” Sean observed.

“If they did, then dear old dad would likely warn them about sex,” Dom said. “Son, whatever you do, when you get old enough to mate, think about being gay. It’s safer.”

“You’re one sick bastard, you are,” Billy laughed.

“You have something against gay bugs?” Dom frowned.

“I have something against all bugs,” Billy replied.

“Tomorrow night, I pick what we watch,” Sean said.

“There’s a documentary on tomorrow night about army ants,” Dom suggested.

“Do they eat their mates too?” Elijah asked.

“No, they swarm over unsuspecting animals and people and devour them but they don’t eat their mates.”

“That’s sick!” Elijah declared.

 

GW 02-05-2012


End file.
